I am self- diagnosed as a hypochondriac. According to Wikipedia the definition of a hypochondriac is a health phobia or health anxiety, refers to excessive preoccupancy or worry about having a serious illness. The definition goes and I can identify to every word. I guess the ironic part is that my health has been amazing yet I have been really struggling lately with anxiety. Kind of sad.
In a previous post I talked about when doctors diagnosed me with lupus it was my biggest fear come true. For as far back as I can remember I always was worried something serious was wrong. If I had a headache I was worried I had a brain tumor, if I had chest pain I thought I was having a heart attack at 17! I know this is so crazy, not logical and such a disconnect from the positive happy person that I am. When I get into these anxiety flares they are all consuming. I focus on the issue all day or just have a general fatigue of anxiety that follows me. It actually makes me sad to feel this way. I don’t like waking up feeling anxious, I don’t like feeling there is something wrong. As many people tell me I’m fine it just doesn’t sink in.
For a person not dealing with anxiety I realize it’s so difficult to understand the struggle because it seems it should be easy to move through. Right? I’m being told by doctors, intuitive’s, my homeopath, my family that nothing is wrong but I can’t seem to find peace yet. I’ve walked through this very difficult health journey and have made it! I’ve made it out to such a beautiful place, I have everything I want, I have a wonderful supportive husband, beautiful healthy little boy that I get to play with everyday and all day, amazing family, great friends, I feel so grateful everyday but the major disconnect is I can’t fully enjoy my dream I’ve created because I am stuck. In every yoga class the teacher talks about letting go of what doesn’t serve you. Recently during my yoga class I set the intention of letting the anxiety go, just leaving it on the mat because clearly it’s not serving me. I can’t seem to get away from this motto of letting go because even at home the popular song, Let it go from the movie Frozen plays on repeat. Just let it go!
I haven’t written in a while because I haven’t felt the inspiration that brings me to write. The other day I was talking to my intuitive who said this is what you should write about. So maybe as my therapy or maybe to help someone else I decided to share this part of me as I wait at preschool for my biggest inspiration to finish up. Currently I am working with my homeopath, working with my intuitive, mediating, practicing yoga and as always playing with Jake because there is no time for anxiety when there are Legos to play with.
Tuesday was beautiful and Jake and I spent the afternoon outside with friends. I felt so great for the first time a while. I even told Jake at one point just to look up and look at the beautiful blue sky, take a deep breath of warm air- what a happy afternoon! It felt so amazing to get that taste of spring! I will keep you posted on what works for me, I’ve already had lengths of conversations with myself so I’m hoping that I start listening soon!