I have mentioned before that before Jake I was a pharmaceutical rep. I loved my job and was very good at my job if I may say. When I was pregnant I was planning to take my 3 month maternity leave and return back to work. Just thinking about that now makes me sad because it’s so far from how I now feel. I can’t imagine even feeling that way but it was before I had Jacob, before our world changed. In many ways I’m the same person but now in many ways I’m very different. As I say all the time when I talk about the choices I make as a mom, there is no right or wrong. I strongly believe you need to do what works for you and your family. No judgement!
After Jake was born I knew I was going to take more time since he was in the NICU. I wasn’t sure how everything was going to work out but I knew I didn’t want to go back and especially not so quickly. A month later landing myself in the ICU was a game changer, in more ways then one. After coming home with Jake I ended up on long term disability. I have to say, my company was so supportive. I was so lucky that way to have such great people behind me, routing for me. It shows the magnitude of our relationship. At that time I was with them almost 10 years and had done very well for them and the company always supported me very well. The disability gave me the time to concentrate on being a mommy and healing. I was doing homeopathy, getting chemo infusions once a month, iron infusions weekly, lots of doctors appointments between Jake and I. My parents took me to New York City and Baltimore to see specialists and through that I was trying to settle into being a new mommy. Going to Gymboree play, Gymboree music and play dates. In total I would have 15 months off. I was due to go back to work November 8, after Jakes first birthday in August. I wasn’t happy about it, even having the 15 months I wanted more time. I just wanted to stay home with my baby and not miss another moment. I also wasn’t sure if I was ready to go back to work. I was coming off steroids, still on chemo. I just switched rheumatologists, I was wearing a scarf on my head because my hair was gone on the top of my head from the chemo. It stayed in the back and on the sides so I could fake a pony tail with a scarf. I knew in my heart I shouldn’t go back and my doctors didn’t want me to go back. If I didn’t I would now loose my job which carried our health insurance and other perks. Looking back I should have been more firm on my decision to not go back. That’s what I really wanted and what I felt was right for me and Jacob. It’s a scary decision because it’s a big income, it’s all I ever knew. Many moms go through this, it’s one of the most difficult situations because I was helping to support our family financially. But, what I’ve learned is to follow your heart and happiness and you can never be wrong, no regrets. I made my decision out of fear, which is the worst way to make a decision. I was so worried about not knowing what would happen, again what I’ve learned is not to worry but to trust that everything will work out since it always had before.
So, I went back to work. My company was letting me take things easy. My mom would watch Jake at first everyday and then we found the most amazing person to come be our nanny 3 days a week and my mom would do 2, more like 1 1/2 because I didn’t work every Friday or just a half day. I would leave around 9 sometimes later if my personal trainer was coming in the morning as I was still trying to gain my strength back and my mom would get jake everyday at 3 and I would meet them at Gymboree by 3:30. Jake was sleeping at this point from around 12-3 sometimes so I felt better knowing he was sleeping a lot of the time when I was gone. As his naps got shorter, I guess I had been back about a year and I started feeling more upset about work and feeling like I wanted to stay home again. Be careful what you put out there because it may just come true. Instead of just stopping on my own will I ended up in the hospital again with pericarditis.
A couple posts ago I wrote about how the pericarditis will change my world, this is how… Going to the hospital this time was very scary. At first the doctors weren’t sure what was going on. Dr. Falkner, my homeopath said he thought I had pericarditis from the beginning but my doctors weren’t seeing it at first until I ended up in the ER and had at scan. It was scary not knowing what was wrong, I had a toddler at home to take of and be there for. All I want is to be here, heathy for Jake. It was a huge slap in the face because I had been physically feeling so good right before this happened. Now, Im forced to sleep away from Jake because I was in the hospital. They had mentioned bringing me into the OR to drain the fluid around my heart, but thankfully when they preformed a echo it showed very little fluid, such a relief. It’s so so scary being so sick as mommy. It was almost like I was being spiritually told something all over again, I guess didn’t listen very well the first time. I always put jake first as I went back to work but I really should never have gone, it just wasn’t part of my path anymore.
Once again I was on disability. Now, my world really changed emotionally and spiritually. I knew too well how it feels to almost loose everything that is important in life and I wasn’t going to make the mistake again. It wasn’t a easy decision even though I knew my decision. I knew my job was a lot for our family to give up and wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I kept talking to Dr. Falkner and he said I just had to make a decision, stick with it and tell Jamie. He said there is no right or wrong, there are consequences for either decision but once it’s made everything else will fall into place. He gave me a homeopathic remedy for making a decision because it was such a struggle. About a week after taking the remedy I made my decision. I didnt just make it, I felt it and knew it was right. I knew I needed more time to just completely heal and I knew I just wanted to be Jakes mommy. I know why my doctors never wanted me to go back, they just want me to take time to heal without extra pressures. I finally listened to myself and my doctors and told Jamie I wasn’t going back. Jamie was very supportive, he was surprised it took so long to make my decision but I feel so lucky to have his support and the support of my family. Once I made the decision everything fell into place. Everything worked out, continues to work out and I couldn’t be happier. Everyday I feel so filled with so much happiness, I feel I’m doing exactly what I am supposed to do. I don’t know why I spent so much time worrying. I realized I never should have or had to have gone back to work in the first place, but that was one other tough lesson. I think for now I will stop the worrying because it doesn’t serve me and trust in what I know because things do work out and I feel I’ve learned enough lessons for a while. For now I am enjoying every moment with my my beautiful little boy, dancing, playing and enjoying life everyday!